To D.

I wonder just how disappointed you are in me, watching me flunk in just about everything I try to do. Saying sorry isn't enough. I am tired. Of so many things... Of myself mainly. It's a long shot but maybe you could give me a sign how to go on from here. I am completely lacking in both ideas and willpower to change. Maybe the best years are simply over and it is time to accept defeat? You know I used to be a fighter. Are you mad at me now, seeing what a weak and spineless creature I've become? I,m sorry.... I don't know what else to say. It would have been easier if you were around. You used to believe in me. You gave me courage to go on and always had faith in me. I miss that so much now. Nowadays I'm basically feeling useless and get rebuked for it. I think people might actually be more tired of me than I am of myself.... Bad shot. I don't want to be weak and pathetic and go on about how much a good word means, a gesture of friendship, perhaps even love... Daydreaming again. Maybe I just don't deserve all those things. What makes me think I am privileged to have them? You were always so proud of me, of the things I did and the stuff I achieved... You made me feel a worthy person. All that is gone now. I am such a disappointment to all around me. I'm not even trying anymore. But I couldn't bear it if you were disappointed in me, too. That would be like the ultimate end to life. There would be nothing left after that. Just a void, so deep it would threaten to swallow me whole- my past, my memories, my dreams of the future...What would be left? I'm just a small time presence in the universe, out to pollute the air and trouble people with my problems. Not a nice deal... But who promised me a better life? Or was it just my imagination, pulling me on and making me believe I'll actually be able to do something with my life... I do feel the choice isn't really ours. Or maybe it's just not mine. Can't speak for others. My own deal is handed out, like it or not, want it or not....It's there for whatever reason, I don't know and perhaps I'm not meant to. Some day I'll have all the answers.... Just like you.