14 февруари 2014
Sometimes love is just a memory. A fleeting moment that once was. A smile, a look, a hug... A long-forgotten dream. A face you once loved. A person that no longer is. Love throws its shadows over the meadows of our mind, dangling on, refusing to let go, entwining in the labyrinths of slippery emotions. It may delve so deep into our being that we forget... Forget we were once loved. Then suddenly a scene from a movie, a voice, a touch uplifts the veil of forsaken hopes and we remember... The shadow was once real. We were there. We lived. And loved. Something that no longer is once glowed in our lives and left us feeling eternal... The memories rush back and we get a shot of energy in our blood system. It could be so wonderful if only it didn't hurt so much. The excruciating pain and the outburst of tears tell us we never really got over it. We buried the memory somewhere deep inside, locked it up and threw away the key. We hoped it would never resurface, swore we would never let it get to us again, ordered our mind to forget... Then one day the memory awakens from its coma. Doesn't matter anymore what triggered it off, there it is- a slap on the soul, an electric shock on the heart, a past gone wild... Life never turns back. It never stops. It only goes forward at a scary pace, threatening our sanity, mocking our happiness, defying all laws of reason. So much for amnesia! Face to face with our worst nightmare, a question screams in our face: Will I ever be loved again? Will this happen to me once more? Will I have the sense to recognize and live out the feeling? Will this, too, end some day...? How many times have you given up on love? Only to yearn for it with an even stronger passion. Love goes by its own rules. It comes uninvited and goes away at its own will. We are left counting the shattered pieces of our being, cursing memories and pleading for mercy. No one cares how you feel. No one gives a damn that you are hurting right down to the marrow of your bones. No one sees the pain in your eyes... The tornado was here. And now it's gone. And you are a living wreck, seduced and abandoned by a beautiful myth. You can search all you want, you will never find that kind of love again. Not now, not ever. Not in this lifetime. Your only hope is a second lifetime... Until then close your eyes and wander along the ethereal paths of your mind. Dream on. Memories will come and go. One memory will linger on. One love. One hope. One dream... Yes, we want it all. We want the fireworks and flowers, the euphoria and the breathlessness. The everlasting story and the happy ending. The promise of eternity and the never-ending feelings. What an illusion! The biggest one of all. Do you still want the illusion in your life? Are you game for the sacrifice? Do you really think it's worth the pain? Remember- one day you will just want to forget that it ever happened. Because it will remind you every second that you are weak and vulnerable and just a hopeless dreamer... The pain will never truly go away. Is it worth it? Let me be. Leave me alone. Let my love remain a memory... Hopefully, forever.
07 ноември 2013
07 октомври 2013
I do believe I have waited all my life for you. The one. The real one. The man who will love me unconditionally, selflessly, passionately... Maybe I waited too long. Maybe you were never real. Were you just a fragment of my imagination? Wishful thinking? A hope for eternity... I have a feeling you were always here, close to me- maybe just a hand away. I kept reaching out for your hand- so nearby and yet so far away. Oceans apart, worlds away, a galactic void... And yet you are real. Of flesh and blood. You can't be just another dream. I have felt loved. And then betrayed. And then what? Trust is a tricky issue. And it should be handled with care. It can split into a million pieces within a second. And take a lifetime to repair. But there is always the question- is it worth repairing something that has been broken? Picking up the pieces is not a joyful task. It is plain hard work. Sometimes it is much easier to give up. Fighting to get back into someone's heart and soul is a weary deed. I always wonder if you are worth it. It is not about winning or losing. Even if I win- what exactly do I get? What is the reward? And is it worth the trouble? The prayers? The sleepless nights? But then again- the nicest things in life are the simple ones. It really is no big deal. Maybe you should ask yourself if I am worth it. And take it from there... Patience has its limits. Eventually you realize time has run out. We don't have a lifetime to make important decisions. Follow your heart. You can only hold one hand at a time. Reach out to me if it's my hand you want. Before it's too late. Before the ocean drowns all good intentions. And I forget.... Forget what I dreamt of. Forget who you are. Forget... Don't blame it on time, on circumstances, on other people... Love is God's special gift to us. Lose it once and you may never get it again. People come and go. Good people, bad people, all sorts of people... Love remains. If it is real. You just need to know if you want to walk till the end of the world, holding my hand. It's that simple. Otherwise we walk alone. And only God holds our hand. I am at peace. I now know I can walk the rest of the journey with my head held up high. I can do it on my own. And there will always be someone to hold my hand! Because it is what I want and what I believe in... We are who we are. We make our own choices. I feel loved, watched over and blessed. Maybe not by you. In the long run it doesn't really matter. I will not be a beggar for love. I AM love. I may not always see it but I feel it- someone out there is always by my side, holding my hand. Just the way it is meant to be...
01 октомври 2012
17 ноември 2011
I believed I could fly. I believed I could touch the sky...Years ago I believed in many things. I actually had dreams and I imagined I could make them come true. Too much fantasy gone wild. Things don't always turn out the way you want them to. Or maybe they are just the way they should be, except we don't know it. And the landing can be tough. It could feel like a plane crash. You've survived but you can't get up on your feet and you have no idea how to go on. Too many questions and not enough acceptable answers. Flying... Such a wonderful dream and so irrational. Who wants to be rational?! It all comes down to emotions in the end. Did you feel the emotion you hoped for? Did you get what you wanted out of life? Can you get off the scene without regrets? Were the pictures worth the fight? Up in the clouds reality may seem a little blurred. Dreams and wishes come together in the endless horizon. So much beauty unlived...I hate landings. Back on the ground, I know where I left my dreams- they are too high up for me too reach. That is why I love taking off. I go for them again, hoping to reach at least one and carry it back to life... Mission impossible? I'm not an aeronaut. I lack the training. I haven't got the guts. Yet I can't seem to stop reaching for the sky. It is as if my soul is completely oblivious to my body's physical state. It rejects reality. It yearns for the clouds. The blue horizon, way up high over the clouds. All my dreams are there, illogical, ruthlessly irrational, poignant and cruel in their simplicity. It is as if they mock my inability to reach them. I'm scared of heights, did I tell you? Not just heights but that's besides the point. More like scared of living... Why? It's the constant fear of failure that makes me want to abandon it all and flee... for the stars! Who says life should be a permanent success? Who makes the rules? You don't like the game- please, feel free to get out...I don't like being told what to do. I despise expectations, comparisons, conclusions. And I don't like losing. The point here is that I might have lost the set before I actually started it. And then I might end up losing the game. Sooner than I planned. The crash was not a mirage. I am on the ground. And I can't get up. Too many wounds in the long run... I want to get up, I just don't know how to. It's my life, I'll figure it out. The fact that I really want to fly must mean something, right? Isn't it all about making an effort? Who cares about the results? Have I learnt my lessons? I wouldn't know. Up there, in my dreams, looking down at how I've arranged the pieces of my life, I might get insight into the story. Perhaps even see some answers. Landings are not all bad. I need to remember that next time I take off for the stars...
01 февруари 2011
There is so much love in the air. Just look at them- pets and kids, kids and pets... Ain't they cute? Absolutely adorable! Children who grow up in the presence of animals become better people and that is a fact. They are strong, caring and loving... Let kids have pets around them! You will be doing the best for your children and there will always be a grateful bark or mew to go around. Life is meant for living. Live it to the full. Have kids and pets! And you will be a happy person!
22 октомври 2010
So many questions and no answers....Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished for past deeds or is this just the portion fate has handed out to me? Did I chose to live the life I have or is it all previously planned from above? Why do we suffer and carry on as if nothing ever happened? Why do we lose people we love? Why is it that despite our belief in the heavenly father, we still feel vulnerable in the face of fear and cruelty? Why does life seem so unfair at times when it is supposed to be a wonderful experience? Why does love hurt? Why do we remain under the influence of the past when there are times it should be forgotten? Why do we worry about the future when it really isn't up to us to control it? Or is it? What are the results tomorrow of our activities today? How can we change our thoughts and channel them into positive paths only? Why do nice people take a toll in life while others who never give a damn about anything or anyone seem happy? Is that the way it should be? Why do I feel sad about things I can not change? Why is it so difficult to accept the reality of life when things go wrong? How can I find the strength to really forgive the pain that people I love have inflicted on me? How can I forget all my past mistakes and not let them affect me anymore? Why is there such a huge void between what I am and what I wanted to be? Why does life throw us in situations we obviously aren't equipped to handle? What if we are unable to learn our lessons from them? Will we ever get a second chance to make amends- in this life or the next? Will this life span be enough for all the things we dream of doing? Why are we unable to fulfill our wishes? Is that some kind of a revenge? Do we deserve it? Was I bad? Did I expect too much from life? Is that why I have to pay such a high price for my greed? Or was I just plain meek and incompetent? Am I right to accept my fate? Could I have had a better life? Could I have lived the way I wanted to had I been a better person? Am I being selfish? Does God love me? Am I doing the right thing in believing my prayers will see me through all difficulties? Am I being merely foolish? Should I make more of an effort to come to terms with what I have to deal with? Will I be happy? Will my family be fine? Will we be together for long... Will we be blessed?
How I wish I knew the answers!
18 юли 2010
When you came into my life it hurt. It's going to hurt when you walk out... The passages in life are always different from what we imagine or want them to be. People constantly walk in and out of our lives. Some we fall in love with and get attached to. Others are not that important. Either way in the end we are alone. Life is a lonely journey with many rocks along the way. Half the time we don't know where its passages are taking us. But there is a reason for all of life's turbulences. We are here to learn. Each new lesson is handed out in strange format. Sometimes we are not even aware we are being taught a lesson. So much wisdom is out there for us to grasp- a whole universe of knowledge and cosmic love, and the funny part is it often comes in simple forms. The signs are there- we just need to keep our senses open and embrace what we are being given. Not all lessons are pleasant to understand. In order to grasp a given fact we often need to be shaken out of our comfortable existence and flung around like a tornado-struck tree, get uprooted and torn apart- hopefully then we'll realize we're on the wrong track. It is difficult to spend a lifetime with someone you've accidentally run into along one of them passages. We expect so much from the person next to us, we tend to forget he is not our alter-ego; he cannot be all in one and all the time our child, spouse, best friend, lover, parent- for the next fifty years or so! Such a lot of misunderstandings occur, to say the least, when we stand there waiting for this magical person to make us endlessly happy. As if he could! Perhaps it would be easier all round and much fairer to the person we share our life with if we just accepted him for who he is and stop with our futile efforts to change him into what we think is best for us. After all we do love him, don't we? The rest is just a selfish attempt to satisfy our own ego, regardless of our partner's feelings. It is possible we have not found the right person for us. Maybe that will never happen. Or maybe it already has and we let him walk away....Loneliness is not a sin. It is an opportunity to come to terms with our inner self and figure out who we are, where we came from and where we are heading to. Relationships are a two-way road. You need to give, not only take and expect. Learn to respect the one you share your life with, make it a journey worth remembering... Otherwise there is always the danger of ending up in a painful labyrinth of unspoken thoughts, hurt feelings and swallowed tears. And that is a passage definetely not worth taking....In the name of life, the greatest gift of all.
14 юни 2010
Love experts just do not tire of giving advice on how to make your relationship work. I know you have all read the stuff. Be caring, considerate, allow your partner the freedom to live his life, keep the sparkle alive... It all makes so mush sense, except that there is always a notion that something is missing. Because it doesn't work for your relationship. People are different, their expectations are different, their goals, ambitions, desires... How do you just sum all that up and let it be ruled by one theory? Tough task. I am all for theory. It's just that I wish it could be put to practice. Every partnership is unique in its own way. What works for one couple need not necessarily work for another. So how do you summarize that and unify it? This generalization tends to depress me. Makes me feel like I'm the only one that obviously can't use the wonderful revelations on love and put them to work for me. No, I'm not a complete idiot. I just don't like the kind of love tips that perhaps work for the first year of the relationship. Though you probably don't need any tips in the beginning when all is chocolate and roses. Let's move 20 years on and try to apply these tips. No way! The phase is just so many miles away from the perfection of the first year. And that, to me, is normal. People have changed. The players may be the same but they are no longer young and full of expectations. The difficulties have piled up, some have been overcome, many have been abandoned as hopeless and new ones are looming up. Sometimes you are not up to romance. You don't even consider whether you are in love or not at such times. Love is there but there are more pressing issues to be handled. The euphoria is gone and may have left a bitter taste behind. Because things are just so different after the initial stage of falling in love. I'm all for love. But let's not make it into a heroic deed. I prefer to keep things simple. Less emotion is good for my sanity. And if you still feel like you need advice from a love expert, just make sure you are your own advisor. That is what really makes sense.
11 юни 2010
I wonder just how disappointed you are in me, watching me flunk in just about everything I try to do. Saying sorry isn't enough. I am tired. Of so many things... Of myself mainly. It's a long shot but maybe you could give me a sign how to go on from here. I am completely lacking in both ideas and willpower to change. Maybe the best years are simply over and it is time to accept defeat? You know I used to be a fighter. Are you mad at me now, seeing what a weak and spineless creature I've become? I,m sorry.... I don't know what else to say. It would have been easier if you were around. You used to believe in me. You gave me courage to go on and always had faith in me. I miss that so much now. Nowadays I'm basically feeling useless and get rebuked for it. I think people might actually be more tired of me than I am of myself.... Bad shot. I don't want to be weak and pathetic and go on about how much a good word means, a gesture of friendship, perhaps even love... Daydreaming again. Maybe I just don't deserve all those things. What makes me think I am privileged to have them? You were always so proud of me, of the things I did and the stuff I achieved... You made me feel a worthy person. All that is gone now. I am such a disappointment to all around me. I'm not even trying anymore. But I couldn't bear it if you were disappointed in me, too. That would be like the ultimate end to life. There would be nothing left after that. Just a void, so deep it would threaten to swallow me whole- my past, my memories, my dreams of the future...What would be left? I'm just a small time presence in the universe, out to pollute the air and trouble people with my problems. Not a nice deal... But who promised me a better life? Or was it just my imagination, pulling me on and making me believe I'll actually be able to do something with my life... I do feel the choice isn't really ours. Or maybe it's just not mine. Can't speak for others. My own deal is handed out, like it or not, want it or not....It's there for whatever reason, I don't know and perhaps I'm not meant to. Some day I'll have all the answers.... Just like you.
04 юни 2010
Such a nice activity- sharing. All the happiness in the world is of no value if you don't have whom to share it with. Sadness is less of a burden if you have someone to talk to, someone who cares and understands. We weren't created to live alone. We weren't made to go through life alone. Sharing is a need we all have. Friendship is a blessing that allows us to share our emotions, both the good and the bad ones. And it somehow feels easier, knowing there is someone out there who is willing to listen. Sharing is a gift we humans have been given to make our journey through life a more meaningful one. We need to handle it carefully. We need to learn to give and take information in acceptable doses. The balance needs to be achieved. Sharing is a unique gift. Let's be thankful for it.
13 май 2010
When there's a will, there's a way. It's what we've been taught to believe. We try and try to get things going the way we think they should, the way we want them to. And yet- is it all really up to us? Isn't there a bigger plan somewhere that will unfold before us and take us along, regardless of our desire... God's way isn't there for us to know. We find out what lies ahead by going along the path He has set out for us. All we need to do is follow the path. Where will it take us? We are yet to find out. Each one of us has his own unique path mapped out, for better or for worse- it is out there and we need to follow it. That is God's way- our blessing from above, our own lesson, our prize or punishment... Whatever lies in store is a carefully planned road ahead that we can only be grateful for. He knows why the road is rough at times. And why we sometimes feel like we've reached a dead end. Maybe what it really is is a new beginning...Life is such an incredible adventure. It is the only real thing we have been given as a precious gift- to cherish it and use it wisely. And to learn from it. Our will is to follow the steps that are lined out- and discover why we have been given exactly those steps. Our own individual mission is to read the signs that are laid out. Once we have learnt to do that, we can move on to greater levels of knowledge and perception. No, we aren't in T.S.Eliot's Waste Land and today is not Ash Wednesday. The Apocalypsis is in our souls and it is born from ignorance. Life can never be a disappointment, nor does it have to hurt so much. Our thoughts rule our activities and feelings. Which is not to say they can be completely devoid of objectivity. And we have no one but ourselves to blame. That is not what He intended us to feel. He never meant us to suffer. He only ever wanted for us to feel joy, content and gratitude. Be brave! Hit the road and don't turn back. It will be the journey of a lifetime.... Your own personal road to revelation. Be certain that it will be trip you will never regret....
16 април 2010
No, I will no longer tolerate the bad moods of so-called friends on myself. I've told myself that over and over again. And yet I'm always the first to rush off and help even if it means a whole lot of inconvenience. Sadly, most people don't deserve that kind of attitude. They are simply not worth it. Having woken up on the wrong side of the bed, it is their aim to spill out their entire dissatisfaction of life on someone close at hand. Do you know people like that? Psychological vampires that make you feel uneasy in their presence, to say the least. I have met and separated with a lot of people in my life. I don't like breaking up long friendships. But I refuse to be taken for a ride. Compromise is a two-way street. Simple ethics is a must. You just dont use people you care for as emotional dustbins. Maybe it happened once too often, I don't know. But today something just snapped. I don't think I can turn around and pretend it never happened. It isn't fair to my sense of justice. All friendships have their do's and dont's. Maybe it was never a friendship in the first place. Or perhaps it just turned sour. God only knows. But it has got to end. In the name of self-respect. Psychological bullies have to be shown the red light. I just fired one today. They can get their kicks elsewhere for all I care...Better be lonely than be someone's punching bag. Amen to that!
06 април 2010
Why wait for tomorrow to do something when today may be all there ever is? We spend a lifetime waiting, hoping, planning, dreaming... and just when do we start living? Why postpone our life for better times ahead when the present is all the reality we have? So many things could happen today but they are left for... God knows when. And God knows IF....Be grateful for the life you are living today, don't regret the past and the mistakes and stop dwelling on the future. No one knows what lies ahead and maybe no one needs to know. What is meant to happen will happen anyway, despite our efforts to prevent it, avoid it, release it.... All futile attempts to control the future are just an indication of our fear and insecurity in what lies ahead. No one can promise us blue skies and roses, so why bother worrying about what may or may not happen? Don't you ever get tired of waiting for something to happen? The future is elusive and does not belong to us. In our dreams the future is devoid of pain, chaos and the troubles we are experiencing today. But they are such important lessons for the evolution of our soul. We would never be what we are today without the struggle and the efforts to achieve the harmony we dream of. Everything makes sense, everything happens for a reason. We may not know why, we might not find out why but nontheless there is a message for us in all the things we come up against. Just look for the signs. They are there to help us move on. They appear to heal the ache and give us courage to carry on. We have a unique chance to live our life in all its beauty and vitality today. Don't ever postpone this wonderful adventure for another time...Today is all we really have.
12 февруари 2010
What are you ready to endure in the name of love? Pain, suffering, emotional sacrifice? Of course, love needn't always hurt. Blessed are those who have found a way to have and hold on to the love they want. What about the others? Those who are still searching for the dream... Where do they go from here? What may they expect while pursuing their happinesss goal? Why is it so difficult to find love? Why does love lift us up on a cloud, only to throw us down, bruised and aching? And yet- we want more. The sweet torture continues and we are hooked for life. Like a junkee that needs its daily dose, love addiction has us dangling on a string, ready to jump. For what? How many times have we known for sure that this love is wrong and yet nothing in the world can keep us away? Foolish, irrational, deceived person! How many times will you let your heart be broken? How deranged do you have to be in order to strive for a love that is going to leave you torn apart some day? Nothing can make you stay away if you are certain this is your very own love story, right? No logic or reasoning can stop you from heading straight into the fire? Why do you do this to yourself? Just for the moment of sheer happiness when you feel so alive, it's a miracle you are stil walking on the ground? Or for that special look that tells you- hey, this is it! We're in love! So what that some day it will all end? Who cares that after the ecstasy comes the big fall?! Go for it! Even if it means that some day you may have to crawl to find the thousand shattered pieces of your heart... Are you ready to do that? All in the name of love.... Are you ready to die for love? Perhaps that is one love worth living for....
11 февруари 2010
When evil disappears from our lives we feel free again. And able to feel the sun, reviving every fibre of our body. Breathing is so much easier when we are healthy, joyful and calm. It is as if the tumor that has been gnawing at us for ages is suddenly uprooted, destroyed forever. A new phase in life is about to begin. A strong, wise, positive and long-awaited transformation is at its birth.. The day of resurrection has dawned. The feeling of being alive is so real, we are ready to fly. We are flying! And no longer merely surviving, but actually living life to the full. See the all the glorious shades in the sky, feel the warmth of the sun rays, catch the scent of the trees around us.... Everything now seems alive, vibrating, real. So, life can after all be wonderful. Happiness need not necessarily be a forbidden commodity in our journey ahead. The feeling of being truly alive is such a fantastic, invigorating experience. How inspiring to find out that fate loves us and is offering us a second chance! Life is such an incredible adventure. Get on the roller coaster and get carried away…Yes, sometimes we feel like screaming from the futility and pain of the unexpected agony but then life takes a turn and we are back on top again. Feeling blessed, grateful and loved. Such is the cycle of life. After the hellish night , the morning will bring new faith and hope. After the storm, the sun will shine again. Nature’s laws… Don’t ever get off the roller coaster! Your time will come. Have faith in life. Always believe that you will walk out of the darkness. To be free again. To love and cherish, and live. When evil leaves…...Amen!
08 февруари 2010
Ever wondered why we, humans, are forced to suffer pain? Both physical and emotional pain. Life is one long journey of painful episodes, excruciating at times in strength and force. How many times have you woken up, screaming in pain? The body aches and you are ready to sell your soul if necessary, just to make the pain go away. Who inflicted pain on us? Why are we created to suffer various kinds of pain all our lives? What lessons do we have to learn from pain? There is so much pain all around. Ever wondered what life would be like if we were deprived of pain? Just imagine- no more pain! Not ever. What would our bodies have to be made out of in order to never feel pain? When God created man He gave him feelings- happiness, joy, misery, pride and... pain. The one red light that tells us we are going the wrong way- physically, mentally, or both. How else would we know that is not the road for us? Pain opens our senses, indicates the source of our mistakes. If we can decipher the signs that pain shouts out at us, maybe we can learn to be better people all around. No one wants us to suffer. But we do tend to get carried away in our own selfish little tracks in pursuit of whatever we feel is important at the moment. We could be hurting someone else with our thoughts and activities. Maybe involuntarily, maybe not. Pain slams us down and throws our hideous secrets out in the open. Sometimes we say: "It was worth the pain!" An essential, vital lesson has been grasped, thanks to pain. One that was necessary for the evolution of our soul. Good lessons come the hard way- with much pain. Have you wondered why one of the most gratifying experiences in life- childbirth- is accompanied by so much pain? And yet- ask any mother- would she go through all that again if it means having her baby for life? She would not think twice but say yes. Physical pain is only one half of the issue. Perhaps even more strainful is emotional pain. Love failures or losing a loved one can evoke a volcano of pain. That won't bring our loved one back, so there is no happy ending here, like in childbirth. So why do we go through it? What's the point of suffering? One thing is for certain- if we survive the pain, we are so much more stronger than before. Even if we don't realize it at once. In the long run we are wiser, stronger and... grateful for the pain. Yes, grateful. Pain comes to let us know that someone out there is watching over us and loves us enough to want us to go through life, experiencing all its explosive emotions. Sometimes the balance is not straight. The bad may dominate over the good. We can't have it all. Divine providence is not our aim. We can leave that to someone else's care. He knows the secret. We can leave it in His hands. Some day we, too, will have all the answers. We shall see the reasons for everything we have had to go through in our lifetime. The whole cosmic vision will be ours. One day- when the only thing missing will be... pain.